Parole di Burro (Italian Songfic Series)
by LadyMongoose
Summary: Four short vignettes, one each for beloved boys 1-4 (not in that order), written in their POV, all revolving around one event. Each can be considered an independant fic, or can be paired (1/2 and 3/4). **YAOI**
1. Duo - Un Inverno da Baciare

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and I am making no money doing this. The proper owner of Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing and all its characters is Sunrise (I think). I have not altered or harmed them in any permanent fashion.   
  
Notes: I wrote this a long time ago, and posted it to several lists, but seeing as I've just made up my mind to join FanFiction.Net, I'm going to put it here too. If you haven't read it, enjoy!  
  
More notes: I think I went a little overboard with the angst and Duo obsessing about love and Heero, but at least I went back and added a plot after the original one page angst-fest. The song is by Marina Rei, an Italian artist, and the translation is mine, so you know who to shout at. For those who are prone to worry, all will be resolved in the subsequent fic.  
  
Warnings: This story is yaoi-ish, not really anything going on, angsty, and with implied violence.  
  
  
  
Un' Inverno da Baciare  
by LaMangust  
  
  
"Come on! Run!" I can hear our footsteps resounding on metal as we dash down the hall, but those echoing footfalls are quickly overshadowed as the soldiers race after us. Shit. This is not good. I glance over, to where Trowa runs beside me. "What are our chances?"  
  
He glances back, then ahead as we slide around a corner, and a strange look comes over him. "Slim to none, I'd say." I look where his eyes are, and have to smirk. Typical Trowa. Just enough to get the message across, and enough bite to let me know he's amused by the situation. There's a dead end ahead.   
  
"Ah, hell..." I whirl, drawing my gun sharp-shooter style. God help me if I'll go down without a fight! Aiming and firing is easy. Second nature to me, anymore. I've taken out three before they hit me. The burning pain shoots through my leg as I collapse, losing control over the entire appendage. I begin to swear as the guards close in. I don't know where Trowa is, lost track of him a long time ago. All I know is that I have failed. I have failed in my promise to return. To return to you.  
  
  
  
Io guardo il mare  
E gli occhi cercano al di là  
Di questo inverno da baciare.  
  
(I watch the sea,  
And my eyes search beyond  
This winter I embrace.)  
  
  
  
They got him in the shoulder. God's grace that it wasn't two inches to the left. He's be a corpse by now. This cell is like every other cell in the world. It's small, dark, and just damp enough to be uncomfortable. The kind of damp that gives you the willies. They got Quatre, too. He's here, and in better shape then either of us. I don't know how they took him out yet. He hasn't woken up since they threw him in here.  
  
I wish you were here. I wish you cared enough to come and save us. Save me. My frustration has just about reached its limit. I can't stand it. Every word from your mouth is a curse. A curse on me, on what I hold, this love for you. This burden I carry with me into forever. I watch you fight, I hear you speak, and these things are joy to me. But they are deadly also. Every spiteful word to me. It hurts. But, even more than that, the indifference. When you act as though you do not care. Those are the times when my heart shatters and I can do nothing but cry.  
  
But it's not an act, is it? You don't care. Trowa's sitting over there with Quatre. He has his hand in the little one's hair. You see, that's the marvel of it. He's happy, even though he's in prison. Because he has his special one with him. The one he loves. I want that, too. I want you to love me.  
  
Well, that's enough brooding. I have to find a way to get us out of here, since you won't come. There's nothing here important enough. But first, I want to sleep. Who knows when the OZ goonies will come and cart us away for "questioning." I stand shakily and limp to one corner of the room, giving the couple in the opposite corner what little privacy can be afforded them. It's the least they deserve. After all, they've accomplished what I never could.  
  
  
  
E ascolto il mare.  
È il canto dell'eternità  
Che nelle braccia fa morire.  
  
(I listen to the sea.  
It's the song of eternity  
That kills in your arms.)  
  
  
  
They've come. The light from the doorway is blinding after so much time in darkness. That image. The black silhouette in the doorway. It brings so many memories of terrible things. I don't want this to happen any more. I'm scared. Oh, God, I'm scared. But what a weak emotion, fear. You would never approve. So I steel myself, and go forward, so that they will leave Trowa and Quatre in peace, at least a little while longer. The small blond has woken up, though I don't know how long ago. He's protesting, but I look at Trowa and he quiets his love. He understands me better than anyone else, I think. Because, despite the different ways we turned out, we are alike in some basic way.  
  
They are determined to do this by the book, it seems. This room, this "interrogation chamber," is a carbon copy of every other one I've ever been in. It, too, brings memories. The memories are almost enough. I want to give in, I want to tell them what they want to know so that I don't have to live this nightmare again. But I won't. Traitors have no dignity. They have no excuse, either. They have yet to break me, but I wouldn't dare tell you how close they've come. I will keep my silence. I will hold my tongue for you. Don't you see? You think that love makes one weak, but that isn't true at all. It has made me strong, given me new resolve.  
  
But I am still alone in it. If only you wanted me. If only you cared enough to think of me as a simple friend. Even that I would accept gladly. Anything you want, any part of me, it's yours. But you want nothing. I would give you everything. I would live for you. I already do.  
  
  
  
Io sono qui, io sono qui  
E adesso vieni - vieni a prendermi.  
Io sono qui, e stringimi -  
Il vento è gelido.  
  
(I'm here, I'm here  
Now come and get me.  
I'm here, hold me -  
The wind is frozen.)  
  
  
  
I can't remember coming back to this cell. One of them must have brought me. But I did it. Ninmu kanryou. They didn't get anything from me. The only thing I regret is that they will do the same to Trowa and Quatre now. Quatre is beside me now, a worried look in his eyes that I know is not only for me. So they have taken Trowa.  
  
"How do you feel?" His voice is calming, but I can hear the edge there. I wonder if I should lie to him and tell him it wasn't that bad, that I feel alright, and that I'll be able to get up in a few minutes. But the look on his face is too knowing. I opt for honesty.  
  
"Like shit." His face twitches. I put enough sarcasm in that one remark to reassure him that I'm still me, whole as could be expected, and that makes him smile in relief. He's such a gentle soul. Trowa is a lucky man. I got stuck loving a bastard like you.  
  
I start to shiver. I can't help it. But it's not pain. Not physical pain, anyway. I've gone and done it again. Gone and lost myself in this small corner of my mind where I store my hope. And breaking out of that is harder than escaping from an OZ base, and almost as painful. Tears come to my eyes. Idiot. What an idiot. What a fool I am.  
  
I can feel Quatre's hand on my back, his gentle voice telling me to sleep, that everything will be alright soon. But it can't be. And he doesn't understand that. "Just close your eyes and sleep. You'll be alright. We'll be out of here. Soon..."  
  
  
  
Io guardo il mare  
E vedo un uomo piangere.  
Ha una ferita da leccare.  
  
(I look at the sea  
And see a man cry.  
He has a wound to lick.)  
  
  
  
I wake to the screech of iron hinges. Oh, no. They're back. I have to get up. Have to keep them from taking Quatre. He is the jewel of our little team, we all know that, and I must do whatever is necessary to protect him from them. But it's not them. It's... you. Your face is grim, and you have Trowa's arm around your shoulder, who is unconscious at your side. Quatre goes quickly to him, and you relinquish your hold.  
  
Look at me. Please? I need you to see me, to recognize me, to understand that I have braved their fury and come out whole. But you don't. It is Quatre who finally comes to me, helping me to my feet and leaving Trowa in your care. You haven't even glanced at me yet. Not spoken a word. I know you will never want me. You will never like me, much less love me. But I will be yours forever.  
  
The long days spent with you in silence between schools and between missions have been some of the most tedious of my life. They are also the most precious to me. The times when my presence was tolerated instead of instantly fled, my voice listened to rather than quieted by your wrath, even if you did not hear the words. I hold those moments in my heart. I will wait for you forever. I love you.  
  
But in the meantime, permit me to be near you. Let me be by you. That's all I want, all I ask. And when the day comes that you no longer have the patience for me, I will leave. I will go if you want me to.  
  
  
  
E aspetto al mare  
E gli occhi si assottigliano.  
E sulla faccia ho ancora sale.  
  
(I wait at the sea.  
My eyes narrow.  
There is salt on my face.)  
  
  
  
What a boring mind I have. It thinks only one thing over and over, in thousands of different variations. It says, 'I love you, I love you, but you will never be mine.' Well, I knew that already, didn't I? Thank you, heart. You may take a step back now.  
  
There's a new mission today. I still can't walk very well, but this involves only the Gundams, so it won't be much of an impediment. I hope. I can see the battle field looming before us. There is a whole fleet of mobile dolls. Ah, well... Let's just go for it, shall we?  
  
Damn you! You're being careless again! I know you can see those dolls behind you! Why don't you do anything?? I'm wiping out machines left and right, and protecting your back as well as my own.  
  
I wish you wouldn't be so careless with your life. This is torture, watching you tempt fate again and again. I hate it. But I no longer fear it. For as long as my love stays fast, I will devote myself to you. For as long as this life remains in me, I will stay in the shadows, protecting you, loving you. That is the gift I can give you that you will always receive. I can be a fellow soldier, when the everyday joker dies and Shinigami comes to take his place. And I will always be there, if you want me.  
  
  
  
Sono qui  
Vieni a prendermi qui.  
Io non ho più paura.  
  
(I'm here.  
Come and get me.  
I'm not afraid anymore.)  
  
  
  
It's been a hectic week. I'm glad it's over. One more small piece of time that I have survived. Looking back, I'm surprised I've made it this far. But death is nothing to fear. This curse, this thing that I hold for you, which has become the single most important thing to me, transcends this existence. It seems to me something better and purer and altogether more wonderful.  
  
Therefore, I will remain. Till the death of the world. Till the end of time. Till the end of this life and every one after. As long as there is living, there will live my love for you. As long as there is that love, I will wait. I will wait. Always.  
  
  
  
Io sono qui.  
  
(I'm here.)  
  
  
  
--OWARI--   
  
Please comment! (If you haven't already, naturally.) Flames will be heartily laughed at and used to keep me warm, as I can't get the heat to work at the moment. 


	2. Heero - Una Canzone d'Amore

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and I am making no money doing this. The proper owner of Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing and all its characters is Sunrise (I think). I have not altered or harmed them in any permanent fashion.   
  
Notes: I wrote this a long time ago, and posted it to several lists, but seeing as I've just made up my mind to join FanFiction.Net, I'm going to put it here too. If you haven't read it, enjoy!  
  
More notes: The song is "Una Canzone d'Amore," or "Love Song," by 883. When I came across this song for the first time in two years, my very first thought was, "I'll bet that's how Heero feels all the damn time." The translation is mine, and once again, I have taken some liberties with the word meaning. I honestly believe that I actually got closer to the meaning the group intended than a straight, flat-out translation would.  
  
Warnings: YAOI warning, OOC, sap, angst, LIME, and sap. Oh, and a happy ending.  
  
  
  
Una Canzone d'Amore  
by LaMangust  
  
  
I watch the OZ logs scroll by. There. List of prisoners. I click through until I find the part I want: new prisoners. My eyes trace the words down a little spider web of directories and charts. "New Prisoners -- Maximum Security -- Rebels -- Gundam Pilots -- Pilot 04". Quatre's caught. "-- Pilot 03". Trowa, too. -- "Pilot 02". You've been captured again, you fool. Idiot American. Why do you do this? Why do you do this to me?  
  
I think you do it on purpose. You want to scare me, to wring my heart and drive me insane. But the truth is, I do it to myself. Every time something like this happens to you, which is far too often, it's my own weakness that drives me to panic like this. When did I ever learn to care for others? How did you do this to me? I was trained for years to feel nothing, and thereby have no liabilities, no weaknesses. But you, you broke through all that hard work and now crash and fumble your way around my world, wreaking havoc in the order I try to preserve. You turned my world upside-down.  
  
  
  
Se solo avessi le parole  
Te lo direi anche se mi farebbe male.  
  
(If only I had the words  
I would tell you, even if it hurt me.)  
  
  
  
I can't get the computer to tell me how badly you're hurt, though I do find the record of where you are to be interrogated. And how. "Any Means Necessary". I feel as if I had swallowed the words, and they were made of stone. The leaden weight I feel is almost unbearable. I know that trying to go in after you is ridiculous, and that your pain and death are something I would never have worried about not too long ago. It seems a little familiar, this situation.  
  
That time, when I came to Baruji, to silence you, to keep them from using you, because it was part of the mission. I had every intention of killing you. But something stopped me, something about you, about the way you just stood there, accepting what I was about to do. For once, that fool mouth of yours was silent, not trying to talk my out of it, but you didn't need to talk. Your raw acceptance of fate, your bravery, as it were, struck me, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill you. I write my actions that day off as recognition of your courage. But that changed, somewhere. Now, you are my liability. You are my weakness, and you don't even know it.  
  
  
  
Se io sapessi cosa dire, io lo farei.  
Lo farei lo sai.  
  
(If I knew what to say, I would do it.  
I would, you know.)  
  
  
  
I don't know what's happened to Wufei. Obviously, he wasn't caught, but he's not here either. Just like after the other missions, sneaking off and disappearing to God-knows-where. Or maybe he had as hard a time escaping as I had. But I made it, and you didn't. And right now, that's the only thing important in my mind. I'll worry about the Chinaman later. I know this place as if I had lived here for years. It's strange, to be so intimately familiar with the lair of the enemy. The nature of being a skulker and a spy, I suppose. You were always better than me at sneaking. You have a natural grace that makes it look like you glide along the walls rather than sidle. I wish you would demonstrate that more often, instead of bounding all over the place like a damn jack-in-the-box gone rampant.  
  
I reach the interrogation room, sneak up behind the lone guard, and give him a hard knock with the butt of my gun. That's one thing you can say for OZ soldiers. They go down easy. I turn to the door, and knock. For some reason, this always works. You knock, they answer. And they're yours. You taught me this trick. And I admonished you at the time for being childish. It's times like these, times when I might never see you again, that I wish I could be nicer to you, that I could treat you the way you deserve. But something holds me back. I know what it is. It's the damn training. The conditioning of years that tells me my emotions are wrong, even though yours brighten my life like the beacon of a lighthouse. This is why I can't tell you. Why I can't take you into my arms and confess my love.  
  
  
  
Se lo potessi immaginare  
Dipingerei il sogno di poterti amare  
  
(If I could imagine it,  
I would paint the dream of being able to love you.)  
  
  
  
I see a person in the interrogation chair, handcuffed and unconscious, but it is not you. It is Trowa. I take the key from the belt of one of the guards I have knocked out and uncuff him, knowing once more that this is something I would never have dreamed of doing only a few months ago. I realize that you have made me more human, shown me that there are things more important than simply completing the mission. That when I reach the end of this sad, twisted story that is my life, I want to be able to say more than "ninmu kanryou". And there, you idiot American, is the seat of all my fears.  
  
The reason I cannot tell is you is because of my training, this is true. But that is not the only reason. I fear you will not want me. Fear is something I have not felt in a long time. So long, in fact, that I can barely remember it. But I am afraid now, because you are a threat to me. You are a threat to my sanity and my self-control. You are a threat because you hold the power of life over me. I could not face your rejection, so I simply do not tell you. Maybe if I don't tell you, you will continue to rain down on me this glorious shower of life. That is all I want. To be in the circle of light you cast on yourself and those around you.  
  
  
  
Se io sapessi come fare  
Ti scriverei... ti scriverei...  
  
(If I knew how to do it  
I would write... write you...)  
  
  
  
Trowa's arm slung over my shoulder, I can't help but wish it was you. That sounds sick. I don't wish you harm, but at the same time I want to be there to rescue you. These are the only kinds of closeness I can have with you. I can be your comrade, your shadow, and nothing else. You wouldn't want me anyway. Not someone with so much life, so much... enthusiasm. I can see your façade, you know. After so much time spent covertly watching, I know when the emotions you display are true and when they are not. You hold up the mask so well. So well. I wish you would trust me enough to show me more of who you really are, sometimes, because those glimpses are absolutely beautiful.  
  
I open the door to the cell, and see Quatre in the corner. I see you, too, but you're squinting from the sudden light and probably can't see me. All the better, that you cannot see the concern in my eyes. That you cannot see me stare as I see the color staining your face, and find you all the more beautiful for it. I am sick. Quatre comes to Trowa, holding him as he begins to wake, gently embracing him. I know they are together. Only a fool could miss that one. How lucky they both are, to have such a treasure. I hear you gasp as you try to stand, and I know that you are hurt, but I can't bring myself to help you. I can't be around you anymore without fearing loss of control. If I look at you now, if I turn and offer you my assistance, it will be more than a simple shoulder to lean on. It will be my life, my heart, that I offer to you, and I don't want to do that here. Not now. Not ever, maybe. I can't. It's too hard.  
  
  
  
Una canzone d'amore - per farmi ricordare;  
Una canzone d'amore - per farti addormentare;  
Che faccia uscire il calore che non ti so spiegare.  
Una canzone d'amore solo per te... solo per te...  
  
(A love song - to remind me;  
A love song - to lull you to sleep;  
That would release this fire that I don't know how to explain to you.  
A love song just for you... just for you...)  
  
  
  
I'm obsessed with you, I know I am. But how can I stop? When your presence taunts me day after day with its proximity yet still out of my reach. There's a new mission today. One of the normal ones. Low risk. Just going out and blasting OZ mecha to hell. No big deal. But you still have that bullet wound to heal, and I'm worried you'll hurt yourself again. But you wouldn't listen, even if I told you to stay. So we will go together.  
  
I love battle like this. It allows me an outlet for the emotions I keep bottled up all the time. Before, I wouldn't have thought this way about them, because there were not emotions. Once again, it is you. You have done this to me, and I don't know whether it is a gift or a curse. You give me the ability to love, but no chance to express this newfound emotion. How I wish I could tell you. If only I had the words. Would you understand? I blow a few dozen machines to cogs and sprockets, and turn to leave.  
  
  
  
Se un giorno io riuscissi entrare  
Nei sogni tuoi  
  
(If one day I were able to go  
Inside your dreams)  
  
  
  
Something just happened. Something that must be an accident. Has to be. Else, it's some joke on your part and you don't know how much it hurts me. I just heard you say you love me. Your intercom isn't off, and I can hear you mumbling to yourself in the cockpit of the Deathscythe. And you just said you loved me. Cursed me for a fool and said you loved me. You love me. Am I dreaming?  
  
I seek you out later, intent on finding out if what I heard was true or a trick, and fearing the worst. I don't think I've been this nervous since... I don't think I've ever been this nervous. I find you in your room, the lights off, but you are not asleep. In the light from the hall, you sit on the bed, looking as if you've just made the most important decision of your life. I'm curious. "What are you thinking about?"  
  
You look surprised. Surprised that I'm interested or surprised that I'm talking to you? True, it's been a long time. Not since the escape from the OZ prison. Well, other than the mission. You suddenly look embarrassed, and lower your head. "Time." It's barely a whisper, and I'm sure I wouldn't have heard it had I been anyone else.  
  
  
  
Mi piacerebbe disengare  
Sulla lavagna del tuo cuore  
I sogni miei.  
I sogni miei lo sai.  
  
(I would want to draw  
On the chalkboard of your heart  
My dreams...  
My dreams, you see...)  
  
  
  
You look... strange. As if my presence were bothering you. It's understandable, I suppose. Who wants to be around me, anyway? The cold-hearted bastard. Yes, it's understandable. I turn to go, and catch your movement out of the corner of my eye as you are suddenly next to me, your hand on my arm. "Don't go."  
  
I can't move. You're... touching me. You... want me to stay. I think that if I can live like this for the rest of my life, I will be content. I want nothing more. But none of these things come out in what I say next. "Why not?" Oh, gods, I sound so cold, so threatening. And I see your face lowers, your eyes darken. Your hand drops.  
  
"Gomen." I can see how what I've said has hurt you. Curses! Idiot! What an idiot! Why do I do that? Why can't I find at least a kind word for you, my beautiful beacon? What's keeping those things locked away? You know, if I could, I would tell you in every way possible how much I love you. I can feel my control slipping. I know you don't want me to leave, but I have to. If I stay a moment longer, if you don't move away from me now, I will snap this thread that ties me to what I know is right.  
  
"It's ok. I'll stay." Traitor mouth, again. What have you done? Must you try at every turn to ruin me. Really, it's no wonder I don't like to talk, with all the trouble mouths can get you into. Right now, mine is itching for a different kind of mischief.  
  
  
  
E se si potessero suonare,  
Li inciderei e poi te li farei ascoltare.  
  
(And if they could be played,  
I would record them indelibly and let you listen later.)  
  
  
  
You walk back to the bed and sit, and I breath a silent sigh of relief as the small bedside lamp fills the room with its warm yellow glow. What am I to do with these emotions? Can you tell me? When all I want is you, all of you, everything about you, and I don't know what to do about it? Help me. Please. I'm going to lose my mind if you don't. "So what were you thinking about time?" I can't believe my voice can still be so controlled, so casual, when I feel as if my veins are thousands of live wires running this strange current through me.  
  
You lean back on the bed, holding yourself up with your elbows and smile at me. It's one of those fake, overexaggerated grins that you've perfected almost as well as I have the mask of the perfect soldier. And suddenly it strikes me that this game of pretend is stupid, and what the hell are we doing here like this, when I can't control myself any longer. It's too much to hold back. I'm not good with emotions, you know that, and this one has swallowed me whole. So I'll take this chance, this one, and if you refuse me, then the perfect soldier will always be there for me to retreat back into.  
  
I go to where you are, lean down, and put my hand on your cheek. I can't help but marvel at you once more. No matter how long I look, I still love studying these fine features. You look so shocked. Well, wait until you see what I'm going to try next.  
  
  
  
Se io avessi le parole, le potessi immaginare, fosse facile spiegare,  
Si riuscissero a suonare, se potessi raccontare, se sapessi come fare,  
Se sapessi cosa dire...  
  
(If I had the words, if I could imagine them, if it were easy to explain,  
If they could be played, if I could tell the story, if I knew what to do,  
If I knew what to say...)  
  
  
  
I bend down, and I kiss you. I've never done this before, you realize. I really have no idea what I'm doing, but it feels right, and seems to be going like I had always assumed it did. The shock is not finding out that I am doing it right, however. The real moment my heart stops is when you start to respond. I can feel you, doing as I am, seeking to express with mouths what cannot be said for lack of words.  
  
What a thing to happen. What a wonderful thing. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a joke. I can see that now, as I look down into your eyes, shocked and yet so joyful. I want to drown in them, to dwell there forever, encased in your life and your passion. I want to know that passion. Maybe you will show me. At the moment, I can think only of one thing. That the kiss was nice, and that I want another one. But I need not worry. You, getting over the apparent shock, grab the front of my shirt and pull me on top of you, back onto the bad, locking your mouth to mine.  
  
  
  
Allora, ti scriverei...  
  
(Then, I would write for you...)  
  
  
  
"Ai shiteru." It's a whisper in the dark. A small, tentative sound. And I am shocked to realize that it has come from me. I hear you gasp, feel you stiffen, and wonder if I have said something wrong. A sudden pain hits me, somewhere in the vicinity of my heart, and I think I would sneak away in shame, were it not for the fact that you are on top of me.  
  
"Oh, Heero. You do?" The voice is rough, tear-stricken. Oh, gods, forgive me... "You have no idea how much I've wanted to hear you say that." It is joy. Pure, clean, simple joy at those words. Joy to fill the world and make the deepest cup run over. "Me, too." And now it is complete. With that revelation, the perfect soldier is officially dead. That emotionless being is no longer master of my world and my thoughts. Instead, it is you, this violet-eyed ball of feeling. You are my life, from now on.  
  
  
  
Una canzone d'amore.  
  
(A love song.)  
  
  
  
--OWARI--   
  
Please comment! (If you haven't already, naturally.) Flames will be heartily laughed at and used to keep me warm, as I can't get the heat to work at the moment. 


	3. Quatre - Un Attimo Ancora

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and I am making no money doing this. The proper owner of Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing and all its characters is Sunrise (I think). I have not altered or harmed them in any permanent fashion.   
  
Notes: I wrote this a long time ago, and posted it to several lists, but seeing as I've just made up my mind to join FanFiction.Net, I'm going to put it here too. If you haven't read it, enjoy!  
  
More notes: This follows the story in "Una Canzone D'Amore." The song is "Un Attimo Ancora" by Gemelli Diversi. The translation is mine, once again. Gomen to Quatre fans. I'm one too, and I didn't want to bastardize Q-chan, but I needed a plot. I was actually very proud of the two fics before this one, but from here I think it just goes downhill. Anyway, more angst, but the resolution will come in the next story.  
  
Warnings: YAOI warning, OOC, angst, character torture, just a little bit of violence. I put that there so that I won't have people on my back later about the fact that I didn't warn them that poor Quatre got bashed over the head.  
  
  
  
Un Attimo Ancora  
by LaMangust  
  
  
We're not going to make it. I can sense it. There's something about the air around the place. Ominous is the word. The whole thing is wrong. I should have waited to blow the detonator. Oh, gods, it's all my fault. I can hear the two of you running farther down the hall. I don't think you can make it out. Neither can I. There are too many of them. I thought I could escape out the way I had come, if nothing else, but they've sounded the alarm, and that is blocked off, too. Where are Heero and Wufei? They should have come by now. Maybe they're caught, too. There are shouts down the hall. Have they caught up with you? Gunshots. Will you win? I hope so. I hate this. Sitting here, waiting, impotent, ignorant. I want to know what's going on, to see what you are doing and help you.  
  
I know what you are doing. You're trying to make them follow you so I won't be caught. It's a sweet gesture, really. A very kind thing for you to do. A little while ago, it would have made me happy. It would have suffused me with a great, powerful, swelling love for you. But now? What's happening to me?  
  
  
  
Versa l'ultima lacrima  
Prima che il vento porti via con sè   
L'ultima bricciola del nostro amore.  
  
(Shed the last tear  
Before the wind takes away with it  
The final remains of our love.)  
  
  
  
I can't believe this is happening. It isn't. It can't. We were supposed to love each other forever, you and I. We were supposed to never give up on our love. It was a promise. And now, I don't know why, I can't uphold that promise anymore. What am I supposed to do, koi? Should I stay here, in silence, and watch out fortress burn? What's wrong with me?  
  
You've always been so kind, so good to me. What am I thinking now, to want to leave you? I must be sick. That must be it. Well, I'll deal with it later. Mission right now, and no other worries. I dig out my small radio and hold it to my mouth, sending fast, desperate transmissions to Heero and hoping that he will respond. Duo's in trouble. He will want to know about that. He thinks nobody knows about his feelings. He should get some friends without psychic powers. So far, the only one who doesn't know is Duo himself. And that works the other way as well. They are so stubborn. Neither will take the risk.  
  
I suppose it must be a characteristic of the street child. I was never one of those, so I don't claim to understand all that they think and feel. Or thought and felt. I like to think that we are all together in our project now, and that the past doesn't matter so much. That I can understand that look that comes over you when you begin to remember. But I can't. I can't bear to look at it, much less understand it. Those are the things that drive the two of us apart. We are spawn of different worlds, and though we have both known tragedy, it is not the same, and so we do not understand each other. There it is. I have figured it out.  
  
I think.  
  
  
  
Dove non c'è più sole e l'aria è gelida,  
Resto solo alla mia tavola.  
Pensandoti, sento già i brividi.  
  
(Where there is no more sun and the air is frozen,  
I'm left alone at my table.  
Thinking of you, I feel goosebumps.)  
  
  
  
I hate this feeling of helplessness. I don't mean just about the fact that you are down the hall being shot and maybe injured. I mean the part about me being here, having you rely on me, feel safe with me, and me wondering how to tell you gently that I don't think it's going to work out anymore.  
  
You want to know what the real problem is? I know what it took for you to trust me. I know how long I pursued you, how your memories and insecurities made it take far longer than it should have for you to open up to me. Now you have handed me that trust on a silver platter, and instead of a gift, I find myself trapped by it. I have a duty now, because of it. I must take care of you because I am the only one you would allow to do it. Why do you do this to me?  
  
The gunfire has stopped. They must have brought you down. Either that, or you won. The odds against you were terrible, though. And you would have come back for me buy now. I know that, at least. You haven't, so I will have to go and find where you are. My fault. All my fault. All of this. This mess that we are in, that you are in now.  
  
Someone's coming up behind me. I can feel them. If I just don't let them know I know they're there, then maybe I can...  
  
  
  
Adesso abbraciami.  
Basta nascondersi   
Dietro parole e volti inutili.  
Si è spento il fuoco per scaldare il nostro cuore.  
  
(Now embrace me.  
It's enough to hide.  
Behind useless words and faces.  
The fire to hear our heart has gone out.)  
  
  
  
I wake with your hand in my hair. It's a comfortable feeling, and I only think about that for a moment, until all my previous thoughts come back to me, and I wake fully, and pull away. Oh, please no. You have that look on your face. That expression like a hurt, lost puppy. What am I supposed to do with that? I feel so sorry, so bad about what I have done. Why can't you just feel as I do? Why do you continue to want me? I think I will have to tell you soon. It would be for the better. But right now, it's time to do damage control.  
  
I look around, and spot a still figure in the other corner of the room. "Duo?" You nod. It's another one of those comfortable feelings, eating away at my resolve. Why can't I convince myself that I don't want you anymore? What about all the things that I know are wrong? Are they simply to be pushed aside because of one moment of closeness? All the time, I know that now it is nothing more than friendship I feel for you, but that that friendship is something I treasure. Oh, koi. I am so confused.  
  
You, of course, are silent, and do not speak, though I can tell from the shadows in your eyes that you know something is wrong. You tell me what happened to you and Duo, how he is injured. And so are you. This time, I know for sure that what we had is gone, or going. I don't feel the deep, possessive anger at the revelation that you are hurt. It's the same concern, deep though it is, that I feel for the others. That I feel for Duo, in this case.  
  
Duo is such a kind soul. Even here, he shows that he understands what few do. He has seen what is between you and me. What was, I mean. He went to the other side of the room just so that we could be left minimally alone. I am truly glad that he is my friend. I might go so far as to call him my best friend. But you are there, too. Where do you fit it? Tell me. I need to understand what it is that is happening to me. I need somebody to come and put my life back into simple, hierarchical order as it hasn't been for so long. I want to know where I stand.  
  
  
  
Non vedo più nel cielo  
Le due stelle che brillavano.  
Non vedo più tuoi occhi che risplendono.  
  
(I no longer see in the sky  
The two stars that shone.  
I no longer see your eyes sparkle.)  
  
  
  
You look at me and ask me a question. A simple question, but one that I am strangely unable to answer. "Daijoubu ka?" What do I say? What do you need to hear. Finally, there is nothing left but to tell the truth. I steel myself, and begin. I tell you all the thoughts that I have had today, from the very first one when I woke up in the morning and was not happy to see the morning. I tell you about my thoughts about friendship and love and you and fighting and Heero and Duo and everything else.  
  
You listen, silently, as you always do, and for once I am unable to gauge your mood, your thoughts. It is a strange sensation, to have you so alienated from me. I know that this is going to hurt you. I don't think my words about wanting to keep our friendship are helping. You put so much effort into making this work, I know, and now I'm shooting you down, but what can I do otherwise? I want to know what you think, but you are silent. You will not tell me. And that damn bang of your covers your face so that I cannot see your expression.  
  
The door opens. They've come. The fun's about to begin. I look up, and start to move to rise, but Duo, whom I thought unconscious, suddenly stands shakily and walks toward the door. I hear him whisper something unintelligible, and protest his going first. Then the strangest thing happens. He looks at you. You, and you somehow know to hold me back, to keep me from contesting the offer he is making of leaving us in peace a little longer. It breaks my heart.  
  
Then I notice your face. And the poor, torn heart inside me breaks yet again. There are tears on your face. I have rarely seen them from you. The last time was when you told me about your life as a kid on the streets, and of the terrible things that happened to you then. Oh, gods. Thinking back on that time, I don't know how I can betray that trust now with what I am doing, but I am. I am. I have myself for it. I want to curl up and die at the hurt look in your eyes.  
  
  
  
Voglio spiegarmi. Adesso dammi  
Solo un minuto per levarmi  
Questo sapore amaro dal palato.  
  
(I want to explain myself. Now give me  
Just a minute to take away  
This sour taste from my palate.)  
  
  
  
I start talking, start trying to explain again, but it's useless, and I'm rambling. I know the damage has been done, and I was foolhardy and conceited in thinking that my words could change you so quickly, that I could turn the trust we shared into something less pressing, less important. I'm sorry, koi. I didn't mean to.  
  
We sit in silence for a long time, communicating almost silently, for the tension in the place mounts just as if we were having a full-blown fight. I don't know what to expect. I want you just to say that everything I have said is alright and that you will understand. Take time, if you need it, but please, please don't destroy me as I have you. What a thing to say. I can't change it now, but I don't want to be taken down with it.  
  
There is some fundamental difference between us, you know. I am a person with too many sides to show all at once, and so people take the one they find most agreeable. You, on the other hand, are silent but honest. You always know what you are thinking, and anybody that knows you knows too. I'm not like that. It takes a lot to figure me out, I think, or more people would have done it by now. I just can't tell myself what is going to come out. This, for example, I never wished. I never, ever would have asked to stop loving you. I don't think all of me has yet, actually. But I've burned my bridges now, haven't I?  
  
  
  
Sapore di passato  
Di un amore sciupato.  
Di qualche cosa di perfetto che poi è cambiato.  
  
(The taste of the past,  
Of a love sucked dry.  
Of something perfect that changed.)  
  
  
  
They've brought Duo back. He looks terrible. I don't know what they've done, but they surely wouldn't have beat him up so bad if he had given them what they wanted. Which means that one of us is next. And you do it again. Before I can stop you, you're gone. Stood and let them take you from the room. Why did you do that? Are you still trying to protect me? Are you trying to escape? Oh, gods. What on Earth have I done?  
  
  
  
Vivevo un sogno,  
Ma ora sono sveglio.  
  
(I was living a dream,  
But now I'm awake.)  
  
  
  
I can feel it now, the hard, heavy weight of a grave mistake that one's mind has just recognized. I have pushed you away, koi, and now I worry about you. That small rebellious part of my mind that usurped power and told me that I didn't love you has been pushed back to the back again, and I'm scared. I'm scared of what will happen when you come back. I'm scared for you that you might not come back. Please, be safe. I want you. I need you. Oh, gods, I don't believe what I've done. Will you forgive me? Will you ever want me again?  
  
I think my heart will break right here. As I tend to Duo, trying to help him be a little more comfortable, at least feel a bit safer and comfort him with my presence, this overwhelming despair about what I have done is eating me alive. Come back soon, koi, please, because I need you. I need you more than anything in the world.  
  
  
  
Dammi solo un minuto,  
Un soffio di fiato  
  
(Give me just a minute,  
A breath of your breath,)  
  
  
  
God keep you safe, my love, that you will at least be whole and well even if you no longer want me. I hope you will forgive me. I don't deserve it, but I hope you will. Please. Please. It's the only thing I want right now. I know the desolation you feel, I know the guilt you carry. I swear, though I have not lived on the streets as you have, suffered at the hands of cruel men as you did, I know now your pain. I understand. Please, let me redeem both of us. Give me the chance to save you, finally, as I have never done, as well as saving myself in you.  
  
  
  
Un attimo ancora.  
  
(One moment more.)  
  
  
  
--OWARI--   
  
Please comment! (If you haven't already, naturally.) Flames will be heartily laughed at and used to keep me warm, as I can't get the heat to work at the moment. 


	4. Trowa - Quello Che

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and I am making no money doing this. The proper owner of Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing and all its characters is Sunrise (I think). I have not altered or harmed them in any permanent fashion.   
  
Notes: I wrote this a long time ago, and posted it to several lists, but seeing as I've just made up my mind to join FanFiction.Net, I'm going to put it here too. If you haven't read it, enjoy!  
  
More notes: Last in the Italian songfic series, this is a direct companion and counterpart to "Un Attimo Ancora," basically retelling the events Trowa's point of view. The song is "Quello Che" by 99 Posse. Quatre's going to redeem himself to some extent in the end of this one. I'm not satisfied with this one, or its prequel. I think I tried to do to much with the characters in too few words. Oh, well...  
  
Warnings: YAOI warning, OOC, angst, character torture, just a little bit of violence, and some slight sexual interaction.  
  
  
  
Quello Che  
by LaMangust  
  
  
They're going to catch us soon. Duo's beside me as I run, being slowly overtaken by the soldiers who follow us. I don't mind being caught. I don't mind being injured, or even killed. But you are back there, koi, and I'm not going to let them get you. If I have to fight forever, if I have to take a thousand bullets, I will not let them take you.  
  
Running. I'm running. Such a familiar sensation, this. I've been running for so long. And, happily, it's only in you that I find my repose. It's very strange, wanting to trust someone. The first time I came to Earth, I didn't trust anyone. I never had. You were the first, showing your faith in me. Slowly, the others worked their way past my barriers and came to be so important to me. But you, koi, though I don't understand it, are something altogether different.  
  
Kuso. There's a dead end. We're going to be caught. Strange, the irony of the situation. You are my dead end, in a sense. When you stand in my way, there is no longer anywhere to run. It's definitely something I depend on. Duo mutters a few curses and turns, drawing his gun, and I follow suit. We're never going to win. If I learned nothing else of use during my years as a street brat, I learned this: always look realistically at the situation. Do that, and you survive. Duo knows this as well. I can tell from the way he holds the gun that he's only trying to pick off as many as possible before they take him down.  
  
I can't see you any more, lost down the curved hallway. Please be safe. I don't anything happening to you. You are my support, my rock. If you are hurt, where can I turn? I must preserve you. Be safe. I need your strength now.  
  
  
  
È inutile cercare un perchè.  
Non c'è mai stato niente di spiegabile.  
Tutto doveva succedere.  
Niente sembrava possibile.  
  
(It's useless looking for a why.  
There's never been anything explainable.  
Everything had to happen.  
Nothing seemed possible.)  
  
  
  
I'm hit, in the shoulder. Ah, nothing serious. Though my breathing is getting a little difficult. Rough hands are all around and on me, pushing me quickly through the metal hallways to whatever prison they have arranged for us. Duo's worse off than me. He's can't walk, since he was shot in the leg, and they are dragging him along behind. I wish I could help him. We reach the door, it slides open, and I am thrown in, falling, face cracking against the cold metal of the floor. Not the most comfortable circumstances, but I've know worse.  
  
I have a weak side, you know. I rarely show it, but there is something, some fear in me left over from my childhood, if it could be called that. I don't think it can really. A child is ignorant, and I have never been ignorant. It implies innocence, and I am not that either. Above all, it implies the curiosity and wonder for the world around that I never had. When you're bent on survival, there is little time to wonder why the sky is blue, or, in my case, why the sky looks like the ground upside down. I never had a childhood, neither did any of us five, except you. I believe you did, and that is part of what endears you to me. Not innocent any longer, no, but still with the kindness and curiosity left over from happy years to make you seem so much more human than me or Heero or even Duo.  
  
It's dark, and Duo is making some sound of pain that I have no name for, but am familiar enough with. He looks at my shoulder wound, and curses. "Shit, man. Just a few inches, and you'd be pushing up the daisies, if you know what I mean. Wrung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible and all that." One nice thing about Duo, he usually doesn't have any problem saying exactly what's on his mind.  
  
The door slides open again, and I am temporarily blinded. They throw another limp figure into the cell, sliding the only passage to freedom quickly closed again. It's... you. Oh, God, they've caught you. You're here, and bleeding. This can't be. Not after I promised myself that I would keep you safe. Thankfully, your injury is shallow, and you aren't in any danger of your life. I, on the other hand, have been mortally wounded by your state, and will die if you do not wake soon and breathe back into the life I felt flutter at your capture.  
  
  
  
Un imprevisto prevedibile.  
E la mente sii fallabile.  
Ma saprò rispondere  
Se mi vorrai chiedere.  
  
(An unpredicted predictable.  
And the mind is fallible.  
But I will know how to respond  
If you want to ask me.)  
  
  
  
Duo helps me move you to one corner, and goes to the other, quite obviously showing that he understands better than he lets on. It's good that he's a friend. One of few that I trust. But you have more than anyone, koi. It took you so long to win it, but you were persistent, convincing me of your sincerity. A stunning gift, and one I accept gratefully. Only will that I could speak better and assure you of my feelings that I have never been able to express very openly. Would that you could know me better, though you already understand more than anyone alive or otherwise.  
  
You're awake. I can feel you moving your head against my hand in your hair. It is a wonderful sensation, even if we are stuck in a dark, damp cell in enemy hands. Gods help me, but I want to stay like this forever. You, though, have other plans. You sit up abruptly, shocking me. What's wrong with what I was doing? Are you so surprised? Or was it just the resurgence of memory of where you are and what happened?  
  
  
  
Qual'è la versione integrale dei tuoi pensieri?  
Qual'è la traccia nascosta dei tuoi desideri?  
  
(What's the simple version of your thoughts?  
What's the hidden trace of your desires?)  
  
  
  
I can feel the old insecurities creeping back upon me, and I'm scared of them. It must be apparent on my face, because you look suddenly alarmed. You ask about Duo, and I tell you, quietly, what has happened. I can sense something wrong about the way you are acting. Another street brat survival skill. Learn to tell peoples' intentions from the air about them. I ask if you are ok, and there is no response. Not a good sign. Then, words from a nightmare fall from your lips.  
  
You are telling me suddenly about thoughts you have been having about our relationship not working out. Not wanting me any more. And on and on and on... I can feel all my walls closing in around me once again, curling in on myself, though not before a few tears escape my eyes. This can't be true. Shut up! Be quiet, and tell me that is was all some strange accident. Please, gods, let me wake up. This is not possible. It's not. Then, just when I think I must be dreaming, the door opens and light pours in, suddenly throwing illumination into my own mind, and I see that this is real, this is happening. The nightmare is coming true.  
  
  
  
No no no no no no no, non devi più parlare.  
No no no no no no, non c'è niente da spiegare.  
  
(No no no no no no no, you shouldn't talk any more.  
No no no no no no, there's nothing to explain.)  
  
  
  
Unconsciously, numb, I watch Duo stand and walk to the door. I hear you protest as well, but he looks at me, and I unconsciously keep you back. His intention is plain. He will leave us alone, thought whether he respects what we hav... had, or because he heard the conversation, I do not know. Judging from the look he gave me, I would say the latter.  
  
You start to talk again, making excuses, it seems, but it doesn't matter anymore. What I had in you is broken, and now I want nothing more than to die. I took that chance, koi. I trusted you because you asked me too, promised me something lasting, and now look where we are. You want me to understand, to please try to reason. Well, I'm beyond that point now. Gomen nasai, koibito. This one isn't going to heal. I don't want to understand.  
  
  
  
No no no no no no no, basta sentire.  
Credimi. Non c'è niente da capire.  
  
(No no no no no no no, it's enough to hear.  
Believe me. There's nothing to understand.)  
  
  
  
Duo's been brought back. He's in pretty bad shape, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. I just want an escape, even if it is into enemy hands. They could never hurt me as badly as you have. So I go, and leave you with Duo, hoping something will have changed when I return, knowing nothing will.  
  
So this is their interrogation room, is it? It's not so forbidding to me now. They're asking me something, but I don't hear and can't respond. Ah, their fists are on me. I don't feel anything, though. The numbness that began in my heart is suddenly spread throughout my body. The blackness is drawing closer. Blessed oblivion. Oh, gods, please let them kill me. It would be so much easier than facing this world alone again. It's hard enough with you, and now I don't think I can survive.  
  
There. Darkness. It's almost within my reach. I think they've given up on asking questions and are just trying to get some response out of me now. Well, sorry guys. It's your job, and I don't begrudge you doing your work, but you aren't getting anything out of me tonight. You were my light, koi. You kept me afloat on a sea of agony and lifted me above the things of everyday warfare. You meant so much. You still do. Heaven help me, but I still love you. If I didn't, it wouldn't hurt so.  
  
  
  
Quello che sei per me  
È inutile spiegarlo con parole.  
Con le lotte troverò.  
Cercando nuovi accordi e nuove scale.  
  
(What you are for me,  
It's useless explaining it in words.  
With fighting I will find.  
Searching out new pacts and new struggles.)  
  
  
  
What? Someone's here. Someone's undoing the handcuffs, lifting me, supporting me. Heero? Then I'm not dead. Why aren't I dead? I want to die. I know where he's taking me. Back to you. I can't face you, koi. I can't ever look into your eyes again. I know you will hate me, be disgusted by my weakness at not leaving the past lie. But I can't make my body speak to tell Heero to let me go, or even to ask him to kill me so I will not have to face you. I slip gratefully back into the consuming darkness. If Heero wants to save me so badly, he'll keep pulling me along. On the other hand, if I drag enough, maybe he'll give in and shoot me...  
  
Hands on me, warm and soft. Like yours. Wait a minute. They are yours! You're touching me, holding me, as if you never said anything. Did I just imagine it, perhaps? A bad dream, quickly washed away by the bright light of morning? Very, very hesitantly, I raise my head to meet your eyes. They are sad and apologetic and filled with tears. What's happened?  
  
  
  
Dal silenzio delle cose non dette  
Al silenzio delle cose tascuite.  
Alle promesse regalate telepaticamente.  
  
(From the silence of things not said  
To the silence of things that don't need saying.  
To promises given telepathically.)  
  
  
  
I passed out again after we were rescued, and now I'm staring at the ceiling of my room, our room. It has never held such fascination for me as it does now. I don't know where you are, and honestly, I don't think I want to know. This is too much to deal with now. Oh, but the door opens. You're not going to give me a chance to recover, are you? I can see you, hanging in the doorway, uncertain. Oh, koi, you don't know how much I just want to go to you and beg you to please not leave me. What an obstinate heart I have.  
  
You walk to where I lie, and I sit up, noticing that I am unclothed if you don't count the bandages. What a situation this is. But this time, I feel nothing. The familiar stirrings in my body are absent. I'm still fairly numb. You have that look on you face again, the one I saw last night. It's a pained, tearful look, and I wonder why you don't leave if being around me hurts you so much. Then, you open your mouth and speak. What is it you are saying? I can't focus well on the words. No, I must be dreaming. I must have heard wrong, through this haze over my brain. You just apologized. But the words, the ones I so longed to hear, are there, coming from your mouth, and I think I should be happy, but all I can feel at first is anger. I wave my hand to silence you. It works. You're going to listen now, koi, and you're going to understand.  
  
  
  
È il momento per non parlare.  
Risparmia cadò e lasciati capire.  
So che ti vorrei sapere.  
  
(It's the time to not speak.  
Save it and let yourself understand.  
I know I want to know you.)  
  
  
  
I tell you about all the ways in which I hurt, all the things that shattered with your pronouncement last night that things would not work out. I make you see what you have done, and then you are crying, face buried in the bedspread. Don't cry, koi. Don't cry. I don't want you to be sad. Didn't you hear me when I said that? I want to know, to understand what was going on, what still is, and whether or not these changes of heart are going to be frequent.  
  
We talk for a very long time, and in the end, I am sure that your feelings have not changed permanently. I know I should be more prudent, that the lost child in me is screaming for me to leave this person who has hurt me, but I have a vested interest here. My life, my sanity, my trust, was all given to you, and though you broke it, I can't leave that easily. I'm glad you're finally listening, koi. I'm overjoyed at your words professing that you want to understand me, something you had never had said before. You admit you were afraid of me, of the deeper person I was, but want to know that now. That, I think, is the greatest gift I have ever been given.  
  
  
  
Che mi sapresti parlare.   
Se solo se solo se.  
So che mi sapresti ascoltare.   
Se solo se.  
  
(That you would know how to talk to me.   
If only.  
I know you would know how to listen to me.   
If only.)  
  
  
  
Finally, I stop you. You've become repetitive in your desperation. I don't want to see you distressed. Didn't you know that? I need you to stand firm for me, my love. Please do that for me. No more bad news now. I finally work up my courage and grab your hand, pulling you across the bed to kiss you. That's good. I know with the way you respond that you are sincere. Good. I've been distracted for some time by the noises coming from across the hall. Seems Heero and Duo finally got their act together and confessed. We exchange knowing smiles, yours a bit shy, before I can't help it anymore, and lead you into the familiar dance of our lovemaking.  
  
Everything is ok again. For now. Thank the gods. Ai shiteru, koibito. Know that. Once again, I promise you forever, you do the same, and this time, let us keep it.  
  
  
  
Credimi.  
  
(Believe me.)  
  
  
  
--OWARI--   
  
Please comment! (If you haven't already, naturally.) Flames will be heartily laughed at and used to keep me warm, as I can't get the heat to work at the moment. 


End file.
